I have always, since I can ever remember, been glued to pictures of women I think are beautiful. Before I was old enough to understand why they were beautiful in composition or emotionally, I was busy re-creating the things I could pick out that I wished I could have, and would put them on my face or my body, or decorate the walls of my life with them.
When I started becoming exposed to an older crowd very frequently I started secretly watching women that I aspired to. I always chose somebody I felt was out of my league, I was never the type to go suck up and become their friend; often than not it just eventually happened because we had similar interests or friends. I would never, ever tell a soul about these vixens I watched so closely, because it would show that I felt I was unoriginal and lacked self confidence; or rather was a follower and not the leader everyone aspires to be when they are at these tender ages. Frankly if you tell everyone where you got something it loses it's charm of mystery. I always chose dangerous ones; notorious for their lack of concern for what somebody like myself would think of them (how liberating it was!) Sometimes though, it was just the perfect medium, an average looking pretty girl with a beautiful way of talking and moving her mouth who never said anything questionable; was always quaint: a real role model type. Powerful and important yet soft and appropriate...all at the same time seemingly put together in the most perfect collaboration of textures and self discipline.
My whole creative world was built upon learning from what I could observe of others, and it still is. But now the difference is I am smart enough and have the courage to recognize I should never ever be ashamed about an inspiration. I have always recognized the follies of copy-cats; and refused to be so obvious, and still refuse. I am proud to say my influences: a mixture of a million things I like! A million things I want to look like, sound like, feel like, because I want to see another young or impressionable person get to feel the way I felt. I want to continue the mysterious and quiet cycle of inspiration in young women, and even if that were to never occur; I am having so much fun recreating that image of mystery and grace that it never matters, because I'd probably never find out if I ever did change the way you look at beauty and things and people and...everything.
Hence, I've solidified what I plan to do with my religious views of my natural world. Since ART is what has made my world so amazing, and others unknowingly giving me such wonderful ideas through images and sounds of beautiful natural ways; PEOPLE and THEIR CREATIONS are going to be what I want to be! A superhero of subconscious value. An interpretter of interpretters for you to interpret. A combination of my own ideas of the ideal, an inspiration to anyone who is open to be as such, and a personal trek of philosophical proportions which I can represent through a person. Bumping heads a thousand times has built us, and it can only rebuild us better.
To me; clothes and shoes and makeup aren't just clothes and shoes and makeup. These are things every human being surrounds itself with, purposefully or unpurposefully. Only some people care or try to do anything with their aesthetic self image, but everyone has an image they portray, or a role in the play of their life which can be appreciated. Everyone has a personality that we can draw from by simply being in their presence in any of the 5 senses; we can be inspired by someones taste, touch, the ring they always wear or the way they never seem to care when their tag is constantly sticking out. The way they smell after they ride their bike or the soap they use in the shower; whether or not they care what you think, some of us our thinking. The way I think keeps me being myself.
I could also draw from repeated experiences of death; Everything you think of, every smell and image, all of this huge list you have made now suddenly reflects everything about their role they have played in our lives and their own, and they may never know the half of it. We have to enjoy people thoroughly while we have their presence, and one of the ways I love to use it is in how i show myself to the world.
My LENSE is all I ever try to bare; not whether or not I look good or cool or normal. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER LEVELS. I want to show my ideas of what people could be like and what I am like, because lord knows I'm a quiet lady when it comes to personal things many a time. I just like to feel people and I put myself out there for those who like to feel people too. I reach out daily to somebody who can feel me. Can you feel me? Do you understand that I am different every week? That I get bored easily but I never procrastinate over an overused image? I live positively, you can tell this by the statements I am willing to make. I make statements of difference, of the new, of what I am currently infatuated by. Whether it a piece of glass I found at treasure mart, a book I've read, a new line I've seen or a pair of tights you wore to a party one time that changed color when you spilt your drink on them and it made you GLOW like a renaissance angel!!!! ANYTHING
On the contrary, no matter where you choose to take yourself there will always be those who don't understand. Although I have no tolerance for this, I have a million tolerances for this. I recognize the need for indecision and the part of opposition. Without this we are not human and simply ignoring it doesn't make it go away, but trying to accept it doesn't help you either. You just have to believe in yourself! You have to be your own! This is the only way we can truly balance out our lives. For every creative and inspired person in the universe; not everyone has the balls to actually wear their art or ideas. It certainly takes something when you become vulnerable to the outside world of the public eye, on your BODY, your sacred vessel (sneer.) You have to say that you matter more, that what you think is wonderful and acceptable! That what you think is okay and you could wear it if you wanted to! And now you could understand what I am like!
I have watched my self image, literally in the mirror, change with my views of myself and my environmental inspirations I've dug for over the years. And after so long, after so many things you've tried, so many experiences, you feel like you've earned the right to settle down. You've developed your idea of the world. I am a growing adult. And being an adult is not only a responsibility but you also have to be appropriate, because you now know how. I reflect outside how my personality has changed drastically inside. I have earned the right to be respected and so has my appearance. I have earned the right to not symbolize my social standing based on how I part my hair or what type of shoes I wear. I don't feel the need to show that I'm not a slut, that I am intelligent, that I like a certain type of music. I don't try to symbolize how I spend my free time. I don't want to show you how much money I make or that I collect vintage clothes. I JUST DON'T CARE, because my body is a DAMN CANVAS for anything I PLEASE, so trying to draw any of these conclusions from me is more than annoying. You will never see the Caitlin you knew in cat-eyes and beehives ever again. She is DEAD! And I am happy. I feel happy and I feel real and done and opinionated more than I could've ever imagined at those times. I've collected oh-so-many more inspirations that now have the ability to become modestly materialized, without agape mouths and the impression of being hit with an Ellsworth Kelly's Untitled (red).
I am chipping away at the final portrait. IT FEELS GREAT AND I THINK THAT IF YOU WANT IT TO FEEL GREAT TOO THAN YOU SHOULD NEVER REPRESS YOURSELF!
I want to see your ideal, I want to see your lense.
Please get inspired, please open your eyes. You have NO REASON to bout around about how bad things are. YOU HAVE THE WORLD IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU ARE IGNORING IT. You have people around you who love something little about you that you don't even know that you do right before you laugh, you have people right in front of you who may never tell you that the glasses you collect make their entire world more beautiful when you open the dishwasher in the morning. You have people who want to see you when you are happy and you wear a skirt! BECAUSE YOU CHANGE THEM! You make them want to see whats inside of you that is so wonderful, that they could suck out of you for a moment and then remember it when you are drab...
Without this I could be dead. Without the color of human interaction I could be dead. But life is awesome. I hate it when you say otherwise, and I am okay with saying that because I don't hate anymore, I just used to a lot.
I think my social life has been so dank because I have been searching for someone to aspire to and I find no one but myself. HOW CONFUSING????
Modeling ourselves after other people and things is totally acceptable when done in the name of art, as long as we don't become a mere copy of something widely known in today's pop culture.
Inanimate objects are total game for bodily interpretation.
I understand that critiquing individuals based on their styling is only appropriate when they understand that they are being critiqued or wish to be critiqued. I still like to use my skills, but I recognize that I can't just give somebody a makeover who doesn't want to look different. However, I do find it fair to critique an individual who is trying to symbolize what I personally consider to be a superficial value. And of course, being opinionated is something I do best.
Plundering about with your head down in a world of expression seems silly to me, however there is a line between plundering about and becoming depressed, which these are not the same thing. It's keeping your eyes shut and uninspired that becomes ignorant in my mind, not going through a rough period.
I feel there is a certain rite of passage as a fashion artist to being an adult. This consists of a)trying everything to see what you like,
b)letting go of trying to be some silly persona associated with some sort of a social group (or lack there of)
c) abandoning a care or will to constantly look 'good' to be accepted, and
d)allowing yourself to have no boundaries before you.
I feel I have accomplished all of these on the inside and can now let myself shine through on the outside.
So many forewords
end!
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YES YOU HAVE A BLOG!!!
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